Top 5 Tips on How to Write Like a Lawyer, and Why You Never, Never, Ever Want to Do That, Even if You're a Lawyer

With everyone lately being forced to communicate at greater socially appropriate distances, some communication has naturally regressed from the verbal to the written. While writing was the bomb prior to the 20th century advent of the telephone and speedy forms of transport technology which collectively enabled everyone to suddenly talk each other’s ears off both remotely and face to face without undertaking potentially multi-day arduous journeys, writing never truly went away, but arguably might have no longer been a primary means of long distance communication.

Certainly the “advocacy” part of the legal profession where I’ve spent most of my professional life arguing civil, family and criminal cases tends to be a very oral in-person experience. However, oral advocacy has recently pretty much ceased to exist for all (at least Canadian) lawyers as courthouses completely shut down.

Appeal courts which used to accord lawyers an hour or two for an in-person audience to hit the highlights of their pitches that were already filed in writing are now encouraging no oral presentations at all so as to expedite the backlog of cases. Even trial courts are trying to do a lot more in writing other than the actual trials themselves.

Thus there appears to be a resurgence of the written word, from the most innocuous silly social text messaging, to legal professionals no longer having the option of meeting face to face across a courtroom and being compelled to write to each other (even if just by email). Here’s a repost of what may be my most popular blog post ever, on my top 5 tips for how to write like a lawyer, and why you never, never, ever want to do that, even if you’re a lawyer.

TIP # 1 - Use "said" in the most superfluous ways possible. Bonus points if you can use "said" more three times or more in a single sentence. As in: "The said Plaintiff executed said contract by appending his usual and customary signature to said documentary exhibit, referred to hereinafter as the documentary exhibit." Using "said" many, many times will imbue your document with legal magic, letting you charge far more than is usual for such a work of literary genius. Clients may assume that without the said "saids" the document might have been invalid, or at least be far less scholarly in nature, or at least cheaper to produce.

TIP #2 - Write out all numerical references in both words and numerals, so as to be as redundant as possible, and risk having the words and numbers not match, thus creating many subsequent work opportunities for solicitors to render legal opinions on those discrepancies, and barristers to seek judicial pronouncements on them. As in: "The purchaser shall pay One Hundred and Twenty Seven Thousand Dollars ($1,270,000.00) in Canadian currency to the seller in exchange for title to said land."

TIP #3 - Utilize as complicated word and sentence structures as possible, as clients will be impressed that you're able to figure out the meaning of the documents you're creating since they can't possibly follow the meanings themselves. As in: "The party of the first party, hereinafter the First Party, and hereforeto the sub-leasee, in the above-captioned matter..."

TIP #4 - Write "WITHOUT PREJUDICE" at the top right of every letter or other document you create. This will imbue the document with magical qualities even greater than those created by the superfluous use of the word "said," so that you can say whatever you want, and it will never be held against you. It will be like the document is the Invisible Man, both there and not there. 

TIP #5 - Write "DO GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY" at the bottom left of every letter you create. Make sure it's always all in capitals and in bold. The capitals and bold are vital, otherwise it won't legally work like it's supposed to work. Closing your letters with this, instead of or in addition to the boring and prosaic "Sincerely" or "Your truly" will compel people to do whatever you're asking of them in the letter. Even if they don't want to do it, they'll feel unable to stop themselves. Demands for payments of money. Demands to take long walks off short piers. They'll all be met with a cheerful smile and nod of the head if you use this age old legal phrase. 

As a longstanding teacher of legal writing, and fan of the plain language legal writing movement, it pains me that young law students continue to believe that the features I mention above make them sound more like a lawyer, or worse still that broadly using such words enhances legal results. It's been a long personal journey of recovery for me to rid myself of such habits, and it can still be a struggle to resist the impulse to sound lawyerly.